Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, Strong Families
Father’s Day is probably one of the most under celebrated holidays. In recent years for me it has been one of the holidays I dread because of the void I feel because my father is no longer here. My father, Rev. John Ervin Trotman, Sr., passed away in 2008 and it was a gut wrenching loss. It was bad enough that I lost my mother suddenly in 2006. And even though my parents had divorced many years ago, they remained friends. My Dad had been sick, but I think the shock of her passing left us all wrenched and I think it started to take a toll on his health. When my father passed away, he had been sick for so long there was a relief that he was no longer suffering.
But then, the reality set in. I am unapologetically a quintessential Daddy’s girl. I don’t think I always had been, but certainly as I reached my teenage years and beyond it was an undeniable fact. My father had a profound impact on my life and really shaped me to become the woman I am today. So Father’s Day has been bittersweet. It makes me really miss him so much because I always planned for the card and gift even if I couldn’t be there on that date. I always planned for the long conversations about any number of topics. And it’s hard not being able to pick up the phone and make that call.
This evening I was on the “Where is the Love” radio show on WGIV FM. I was asked to come to speak on issues relating to fathers and family law. What was supposed to be a short hour show on giving some practical tips and pointers to men out there who may need to use the legal system to be involved in the lives of their children, evolved into me staying two hours addressing all issues of family law and a brief discussion on the impact of men as fathers in their children’s lives as well and the impact of the absence of men in their children’s lives.
At one point I told a story about a visit to my dentist not long after my father passed. He asked how I was doing and somehow our conversation turned to how he as a Father impacts the life of his young daughter. I talked about how important my Dad was in my life in how he was involved in my life and supportive of me. My dentist mentioned a book called “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Dr. Meg Meeker. A few weeks later I bought the book. It took a while for me to read it because it just brought up so many sad moments of me missing my Dad. But what stuck with me was how important the role of a father in the life of his daughter is, and how his positive involvement really shapes how young girls view themselves, and how they will become as women and then part of their own family unit. It also discussed how important it is to become a hero to your daughter, and how girls actually depend on their dad’s guidance into adulthood.
In my family law practice, I have represented more and more fathers who have fought for custody of their children and won due to variety of circumstances. What I learned from doing the radio show tonight is that many men may let pride keep them from fighting to see their children and give up. Or they incorrectly think that the system naturally favors the woman. And that is not the case. Courts rely on a best interests standard, and what is best for the child. My experience has had all kinds of results for fathers. I have great success with fathers getting primary and joint custody of their children. But it can be a tough and emotional road for any man who wants to do the right thing and be involved with their children only to be blocked by the other parent for one reason or another. I have had consultations with men on the brink of giving up and I find myself talking them out of it, explaining to them how critical their presence is in the lives of their children. Especially their daughters.
Daughters take their cues from their fathers on everything from self-esteem, self respect, alcohol, drugs and sex. And a strong father, or father figure, will shape a positive self image for a young girl which will transform to better decisions made as a adult, if for no other reason…we don’t want to disappoint Daddy. A father’s faith in his daughter, can uplift her and give her more strength and self esteem than he can imagine. And conversely, a father’s lack of faith his daughter can manifest itself in negative, self destructive behavior for a girl that can extend into adulthood.
And those daughters eventually become part of a family unit. How she acts in that unit is often a direct result of her childhood and its impact of a father or father figure.
I see the results in my family law and criminal defense practice. Fractured and splintered families full of strife need help. Angry moms or frustrated dads affect their children in how and what they say. Young girls take their cues from their environment in one way or another. I have had to tell fathers not to give up and to hang in there and that they are more important to the family unit than they know.
As a grown woman, I still feel the impact of the loss of my father. My Daddy. No one knew me as well as he did. I could tell him anything and talk to him about anything and that was rare. I miss not having him around. But what I do know is that I was truly blessed to have him for as many years as I had. No one was a greater supporter of me. No one can ever say “I love you” quite like a Daddy can and put that kind of smile on a daughter’s face.
In a world where the family unit is at risk I challenge all fathers to realize how important you are to your children-especially your daughters. If you are involved in her life, be her hero, set those ground rules and always keep the lines of communication open. If you are not a part of her life, it is never too late. If you need legal help, consult a good attorney. Don’t be afraid to talk to other fathers and learn how you can develop your own virtues of a strong father.
Because we need you now more than ever.
